FIFA 10

I'm taking a break from my usual posts about not wanting to post in order to produce a short and to-the-point rant about a certain game that I foolishly purchased on Saturday.

Since 2007, EA has released each instalment of their massive Footy franchise to reasonably high critical acclaim.

This year's upgrade scored very highly in IGN UK's review, prompting me, gullible as I am, to head out and buy this monstrosity.

Now I've always been more of a PES person anyway, given that PES actually plays like real football and not an on-the-rail version that doesn't even let you choose which players you want to rotate.

Anyway, my gripe is simple really, I fail to understand why every year FIFA scores so highly.

For one, crossing does FUCK ALL... plain and simple.

The ball moves to bizarrely during an attempted cross that it looks like a lead balloon filled with helium.

For some reason, the FIFA programmers have got this idea that the ball becomes lighter than air if it goes above a player's head.

Corners suffer from the same problem, not to mention that trying to head the ball in FIFA is like trying to head a piece of paper.

Then you've got this new 360 dribbling which IGN seemed to love so much.

It would be great if it didn't mean that doing a full change of direction, i.e. stopping and turning around 90 degrees, was still possible somehow.

Did I mention that crossing was shit?

Well did I also mention that not only is trying to cross a pain in the arsehole, you've also got to contend with defenders that have the ability to reduce their matter count to zero for the brief second they run right through your striker to dispossess him.

Again, I must ask IGN, why the fuck did you give FIFA a good score?

It doesn't play like any football I've ever seen.

Shots are so weak that it honestly feels like the some of the players must have suffered severe muscular atrophy in the off-season.

I'm even surprised the ball actually reaches the keeper at all, because not only are you unable to hit it with any venom, it seems that the entire opposing team is lined up perfectly between you and the goal, making it almost impossible to hit the bastard through them.

Oh, and if they do block it, instead of it deflecting off in a random direction, their sponge-like abilities appear again, making them soak up the ball into some of the best first touches from being hit in the head by a point-blank shot that I have ever seen.

Now don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying that PES is the best thing ever, but at least it actually feels like the ball is real and not one that an art student made out of papier-maché.

Scoring is another gripe I have, in that it doesn't actually bring any excitement when you do manage to somehow get the keeper off balance and spew a half-arsed shot into the back of the net.

I think that I'm no longer going to trust IGN, and I'm certainly not buying FIFA "will gets loads of good reviews but plays like a bag of sand" 11.